A year ago, I returned a van to my generous friends who let me live and travel in their incredible van for the summer while I ventured to Colorado as a Wilderness Therapist.
Today, way up north in a small town along Lake Superior, I acquired my own van, "White Buffalo"… a blank moving canvas, to create a home of my own.
I am not exaggerating when I tell you that I have dreamed of living and traveling in a van for over 12 yrs, inspired by my climbing days surrounded by dirt bags and various travelers passing through. A reminder that seeds planted and prayers spoken can take time to grow and harvest; That there is right timing to pluck the ripe fruits of our dreams and pounce courageously toward our visions. Once you have landed at the doorstep of your dreams, then the real quest begins. And like any rite of passage, before I can embody the medicine teachings and call this van home… there is much listening, learning, planning, integrating and work to do.
I had put this dream aside for years, allowing the voices of others cloud the truth of my wild spirit; “It’s irresponsible, it’s unsafe, you need to settle down, you can't afford it, you need land first, you need a home first, you can’t travel by yourself, how are you going to make money, you won’t be able to do your work, you'll need more space, it's not lady like…” the list goes on. These voices rang through my mind over the years. The world and the mind can be so strong pushing against our dreams, that sometimes we surrender to the path of least resistance. We choose the comforts and norms of “out there” instead of following our gut and maybe succeeding, maybe enjoying the process, maybe fucking thriving!
As a writer, photographer, artist, therapist, dancer, doula, wild woman… the world, my friends, lovers and family tested my desire to succeed in fulfilling a dream. Most folks do not typically intend to steer us off track, yet they see that what we are doing is out of the norm and out of their comfort zones, and this scares them, so they project their stories and fears onto us. When we are on a path aligned with our truth and soul, there will be countless distractions, detours and tests on our path to individuation, self awareness, self love and transformation. When we feel the tug of HELL YES in our cells, it is important we allow ourselves to trust fall into the unknown of our wildest dreams and let the loud voices around us fade. And yes, part of the process IS "failure" and everyone will say, "I told you so." However, that is just another test from the universe to see if we truly want these dreams enough to keep going, stay the course, trust the process and remember our WHY.
This part of a Rite of Passage is known as, "Answering the Call." When you just have this knowing, an intuitive pull towards the unknown. The call of your soul to enrich your life.
Mary Oliver describes it eloquently in her poem, The Journey.
"One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting their bad advice --though the whole house
began to tremble and you felt the old tug at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do, though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy was terrible.
It was already late enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen branches and stones.
But little by little, as you left their voice behind,
the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly recognized as your own,
that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save the only life that you could save."
I tell you this as I sit on the van floor, doors wide open, the evening summer sun flickering gold across my face, the gentle breeze soothing my bare feet, the faint scent of tobacco lingering in my mouth, and sage smoke swirling amongst the empty space... prayers lifted. You can trust that all of my stories will be from a similar place like this… wild, connected to the simple magical precious pleasurable freedom of spirit and the elements. Here I am, in my "hell yes", remembering my why and trusting the process.
I’ll see you in the trust fall.
wildly,
Hannah
